Societal Expectations for a Person with Aspergers

I was standing in the post office shipping off a package when I got a burst of inspiration to take this funny picture. It uses humor to describes some of the challenges people with developmental disabilities face but it also helps me vent my frustration and address a wider issue.
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First day of school. College interviews. Job interviews.

It seems like the most important encounters that determine the quality of our life are also the most superficial. So much could go wrong in the first impression.
  • One girl I had just met told me that she thought my body language was condescending.
    • My rationalization: First off what does condescending body language even look like? I googled it because I was so perplexed and turns out condescending can only apply to language. I think she was trying to say defensive or standoffish.
  • A man who had just met and conversed with me briefly once told me that my use of vocabulary words like “tantalizing” and “perturbed” in everyday conversation makes him think I am keeping people at a distance.
    • My rationalization: I am always happy to explain things in a different way in order to clarify what I’m talking about but in this case, they did not give me the chance to clarify my idea. He just made an assumption on my intentions of using “big words” and technical terms when in actuality that is how I talk.

23 Truths I learned From Social Skills Training

When I was diagnosed with Aspergers, my parents enrolled me in 48 hours a week of social skills and coping mechanism training. That was 10 years ago. These are 23 friendly suggestions I still find to be true and carry with me today.

Alix Generous

Alix Generous

My 23 Truths

  1. Never follow advice that you intend to carry out by hurting another living being.
  2. Find what you love and pursue it even if it means working twice as hard in other areas of your life in order to do so. It can be one thing or it can be many. Obsessions and interests can lead to successful careers. Additionally, if you’re interested in a task you’ll do better at it.
  3. Following blind happiness is a better decision than choosing certain unhappiness, as long as you apply appropriate practical skills and common sense (which can be learned in a Google search). No matter where you are and what situation you may be in, this isn’t your parent’s, boss, or teacher’s life, it’s your own. With the accumulation of knowledge and self discovery you can make choices that will shape the life you want. If you want to be a scientist, do what you need to in order to make that happen. That path is not exactly linear, you might have to do things differently than others, but that doesn’t make it bad or wrong to pursue. I had an incredible amount of difficulty socially when I started college in Charleston, SC. It was the weirdest feeling because I had wonderful friends there as well as great education and academic support. It never made sense why I was unhappy there but the moment I moved up to Boston 2 years ago, the unhappiness slipped away. Against the advice of my family, I drove to Boston, found an apartment, and an internship in one weekend, and met the love of my life. This move was all based on the feeling that Boston was the place I needed to be. I fit in well because I could talk to people about quantum physics and current issues, and have people eagerly teach me more than I could possibly understand, rather than think I’m weird.
  4. If one way doesn’t work, don’t linger on the frustration of a broken road. Find a better way.
  5. Study with people who are smarter than you and sit next to the nicest person in class.
  6. A great idea implemented in an effective way will always trump prestige and superficial qualities that seem out of reach for those on the spectrum. Your mind is an asset, and if you use it properly without shame or pride, you can change the world.
  7. The best way to figure out whether someone is manipulating you or helping you is to ask yourself: Do they want something from me? People can only manipulate you if you have something they want. Special educators sometimes neglect the needs of high-functioning autism in order to retain disability funds.
  8. Finding who you are is a continuous journey, not a specific event that happens. It frustrates me how adolescence is deemed a time of searching for identity, because it implies that becoming an adult means you know every aspect of who you are. That’s a bunch of Bologna. I’ve met people of all ages who vary in behavioral patterns and world views. Accept, understand, and utilize your strengths as they are at this moment, and use a growth mindset to improve yourself.
  9. The easiest way to interact with someone who thinks and feel differently then you do is to ask them questions.
  10. In a debate, argument, or conflict, always validate the opposing persons view before stating your own view.
  11. When in doubt, Google. When googling, question the reliability and truth of everything. Look at the people who make claims, and ask yourself if they have a sufficient amount of knowledge to make such a claim. The more proactive you are in your education, the less you have to rely on others for answers. You can find all laws, licenses, addresses, and criminal records within a simple click. This is something you should do in regards to everyone involved in providing accommodations for you such as counselors, doctors, and tutors.
  12. Social media is not a substitute for in person interaction. Social skills like table manners or looking someone in the eye when you shake their hand are invaluable.
  13. Don’t take advice from hypocrites. For example, don’t take relationship and marriage advice from someone whose had 3 marriages end in divorce.
  14. Vaccines do not cause autism. This study was published by a scientist who was jaded by his funding sources, and falsified his data in order to get published. The journal that published his research revoked the paper, and denounced its validity after learning the truth of his research methods.
  15. Firm and non-flexible opinions stunt intellectual growth and stifle your own truth. Research all sides of one issue before deciding for yourself.
  16. Make choices that bring you closer to your goals, not based simply on what you feel. Mastering this habit will help you overcome lethargy, anhedonia, and other symptoms of depression and social anxiety associated with Aspergers.
  17. People are just people. No matter what it may seem, the most seemingly superficial or flawless of individuals have imperfections and insecurities. The success of a person is determined by how they deal with their imperfections and insecurities, not the existence of them. Everyone has their weaknesses, some people are just better at hiding it than others.
  18. The energy you put in will be returned to you. Say positive things to yourself and surround yourself with positive people even if you don’t feel it, because it will make your surroundings positive and supportive to who you are. You might have to boot out some psycho family members or close friends if they are creating more negative emotions than positive, but trust me it’s worth it. Be brave, set those boundaries so you and others can be inspired to improve.
  19. The easiest way to affect an individual’s first impression of you is with make up, hair, clothes,and body posture. Changing facial expression, tone, and word choice take a lot more work. Hair and makeup never came naturally to me and I didn’t start learning how to use them until I went to college. Pinterest has lots of simple tutorials. Because of sensory issues, I only wear makeup for special events.
  20. People are not divided into two categories of “weird” and “normal”. Everyone exists on a spectrum.
  21. Go out of your way to figure out what aspects of yourself you can improve on, and which ones you can’t. Love every part of yourself either way.
  22. There is never any need to be mean. Being nice does not equate to being a pushover and you can always present constructive criticism in a respectful manner.
  23. Keep firm boundaries in the work place. Your personal and private life are better left separate. If you don’t believe me, try bringing up your aunt’s kidney stone as a casual conversation and tell me how it goes.

I send all my love and support to all of you reading this post.
-Alix

Adults with Aspergers and Social Techniques: Learning Personal Space

Q&A with Ken Kellam

Q: Could you go into detail on other types of relationships (friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc.) that you have had? Do you have a specific example of a misstep? Or situation that you were able to handle because of something you had been taught?

social skills, aspergers, personal space

A: Years ago, I was asked to help lead songs for a college-age Bible study (I was 30). Eventually, some of the women in the group went to the leader and told him they were uncomfortable with the way I looked at them. I was asked not to come back. I was in complete shock, and kept trying to figure out where I went wrong.

A little over a year later, I overheard a co-worker make a similar complaint about me (she was on her phone and didn’t realize how loud she was).

It was then that I realized I did indeed have a problem with staring, and didn’t even know when I was doing it.

I worked with a counselor who taught me techniques on giving people space, and how to give people a break from my eye contact. He taught me things about body language that I had never thought of before. I put these learned techniques into practice in subsequent social situations.

I learned to closely monitor how long I looked at someone, and how much personal space I was giving them. These things were extremely beneficial to my interaction with others, and I’m sure made others more comfortable around me.

There’s no comparison. I used to compare myself to everyone around me, and they always came out better. Is the grass really greener?

by Ken Kellam

Handling Social Anxiety for Self-Fulfillment

I’m emailing with Kris Jones, an eloquent writer on Linkedin about his Asperger’s Syndrome. We’re talking about the stressors he experiences that can create extremely self-limiting anxiety. We’re going to use several blogs to talk about different stressors. Kris’s first stressor was his lack of self–fulfillment. One of the causes of this lack of self-fulfillment was Kris’ social anxiety.

Tony Attwood, expert on Asperger’s Syndrome, suggests that around 65% of adolescents with Asperger Syndrome have a secondary mood or affective disorder (such as depression or anxiety); most have anxiety.

anxiety/stress

Kris describes his thoughts and feelings which I’m calling social anxiety like so: “No one likes you. No one wants to know you. You are not interesting. Stay where you feel most comfortable – inside your house and away from others. You are not fit to be out there amongst the human race.” He says that this is representative of how he feels and it is what keeps him from going out and mingling with others his age. Even though he knows these thoughts about himself aren’t true, he can’t get past the anxiety.

Let’s break this down into parts. What causes this social anxiety?

Five Toxic and Overrated Aspergers Beliefs Dispelled

What Kinds of Beliefs are overrated? One of the most significant issues against the Aspergers Community is the high number of stereotypes that surround it. Many are obvious and some are not so obvious. Such stereotypes typically arise from well-known people and situations, such as Adam Lanza and the Sandy Hook Elementary Shootings.

beliefs, aspie

The reason for these negative beliefs is that the general population makes up their own stories and opinions that are spread via the media or by word of mouth. Unfortunately, the mass media is too often the only place where the majority of society receives any information regarding Asperger’s Syndrome and those who live with it. As a result, people make snap judgments, rather than take time to put forth the real effort to educate themselves.

Thus, ignorance in the form of false rumors, stories, and beliefs is toxic and contagious to anybody inside and outside the Asperger’s Community. However, ignorance is not a simple excuse. Everybody has the responsibility of truth and knowledge, regardless of the divides between different communities. If this issue did not exist, Aspergers101 would have one less critical reason to exist.

Here are some of the more overrated beliefs that surround the Asperger’s Community and how to dispel them:

Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder

Social Communication Disorder is marked by difficulties with pragmatics—aka practical everyday use—or the social use of language and communication. Therefore, SCD is concerned with an individual’s use of verbal and nonverbal social communication in everyday life.

The condition is of particular interest to individuals with Aspergers or HFA.

In the DSM-V, it specifically states that individuals who have marked deficits in social communication but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder (ASD) should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.

Functioning Socially and Living Independently with Aspergers

Autistically Speaking with Terrilee Tatum

I had a lot of problems growing up because I felt socially awkward and did not fit in with my peers. My challenges mainly were with social issues. Getting along with people, reading facial expressions, and body language all seemed completely foreign to me.

Terrilee Tatum

I was finally diagnosed with High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s Syndrome when I was 17 years old. Most people in Texas didn’t know what Asperger’s Syndrome was at that time. I’ll be 32 in December so over ½ my life I didn’t even know I had Asperger’s. Since then I have learned how to function in a world with people.

Reading Emotions: Boredom

We can see that Laura is not interested in the statement she is reading. Her gaze is unfocused, her eyes look blank. She’s zoning out.

But she is not just uninterested. She finds the idea on the page boring, which we see from her compressed lips and the downturned corners of her mouth.

Boredom is closely related to tedium, the repetition of something which holds little interest. We all want our minds to be stimulated. Sometimes things can be too predictable and we just want to move on to something else. She looks away, having had enough.

Signs to note

  • compressed mouth with downturned corners
  • blank eyes
  • blinking
  • unfocused gaze
  • looking away

By John Habershon

Reading Emotions: Awkwardness

Awkwardness is about feeling a little unsure, suddenly feeling self-conscious. We can see the signs in the way Evan moves his body and avoids eye contact.

He is talking about something quite personal, which makes him feel rather uncomfortable.

There is a defensiveness about his posture, resting his chin on his fist, partially covering his mouth, looking away and then rubbing his eye nervously.

Reading Emotions: Glee

The dictionary defines glee as:

great delight, especially from one’s own good fortune’

Lindsay has just been asked about a household brand. By coincidence, the makers had only recently given her exceptionally good service, replacing an expensive part at no cost.

She is more than just pleased, she is delighted – and it shows in her body movement. Glee often involves an element of a really nice surprise.