Tag Archives: Parenting Asperger’s

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The Either Or Trap

I have three questions for you…

1. How many times a day, a week do you find yourself with a big old stressful decision?

2. How many of those decisions are simple and completely straight forward?

3. How many times does it feel like you’re saddled with two crappy choices?

beliefs, aspie

The human brain is fascinating and capable of many feats! It’s also prone to getting stuck. When making decisions, one of those sticking points is the Either Or Trap. You know what I mean, EITHER you do this OR that. Here’s why this is oh so common: your brain gets fixated on your habits of perception – the way you see life, people, situations, and then shuts down to any other options. It’s as if there really are only these two options. This is problematic because you literally can’t see other possibilities so you most likely aren’t going to seek out more solutions and people with opposing perceptions. You then make EITHER this decision OR that decision. 

This can feel oddly good at times, like any habit can, yet you also know the sweet freedom that comes from breaking a bad habit.

How can you avoid the Either Or Trap?

  • Acknowledge the tendency for the TRAP
  • Ask what if these didn’t work…what else…
  • Seek out people who think differently than you 
  • Set a timer – mind dump as many possibilities as you can saying AND
  • Ask what you really want to see –  as in wouldn’t it be GREAT IF…

You can absolutely expand your perception. This expansion cultivates more options that are actually connected to your purpose. You then have the freedom to experiment.

Let’s look at an example to see it in action…

Your child doesn’t like trying new things – change can be tricky for them because it’s such an unknown. Unknown has been code for it’s scary and must be avoided. Yet, you know it would be helpful for them to expand their repertoire. And necessary.

They don’t wanna so they yell, argue, heavily complain, and shut down.

You EITHER:

Start to think it’s not worth all this extreme hassle and pressure so you let it go…

With that, may come it’s all on them – go do what they want to do – fine, whatever.

OR:

You think they have to learn sometime so come hell or high water now is the time!

With that, may come it’s all on them – sink or swim, baby.

It often comes down to extremes.

The Either Or Trap is all about two extremes.

What if there were other options? I assure you there are…

It’s just that in the heat of the moment with your pattern of survival it’s hard to see – literally your brain has defaulted where you can’t see beyond the two extremes.

Let’s look at expanding perception…

  • Define what’s blocking the new experience attempt – what is IT (anxiety, disinterest)
  • Address the specifics – get to the root of fear with AND what else – not the symptom
  • Develop parameters – what will the attempt look like, how long, and debrief plan

Let’s look at potential options…

  • Bust out your calendar together – what are the daily, weekly tasks and activities?
  • How much calendar time builds the skills and attitude you actually want?
  • What do you actually want for them? for you? for siblings? for whole family?
  • Brainstorm topics and situations they know nothing or very little about.
  • Choose a topic or situation to experience for a set period of time – experiment.

Clarity of focus about what you actually desire breeds connection with what you actually want to do. All the doing and trying without connection keeps a cycle of doing and trying. This breeds fatigue, frustration, and eventually forget-it-ness.

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Ode to the Special Needs Mom

This is an older post. One I wrote many years ago when my son, Samuel was very young. The alienation I felt then, has been replaced with an empathetic wisdom from life lived. Seems important not to forget those initial (relate-able) feelings as many of you are just beginning your journey with Autism. Know you are not alone and that the hope you have for your child, above all the noise, is what will be your child’s ultimate ‘therapy’ for living the best life possible!

Neurotypical Mom, as a Special Needs Mom your world is foreign to me. Rotating seasons of soccer, cool moms club, overnight parties, and college sororities comprise a universe outside my own. Church youth camps and activities that have the word “team” in them are daily reminders that I have a special needs child. Your child is included, mine is not. And I must find a way to turn these negatives into positives for the sake of my child’s future.

You see compassion instead of judgment; inclusion is actually put into practice instead of just being a buzz-word; and being a warrior for your child might be the strongest asset you women posses!

Super Mom, Special needs mom

Raised competitive from a small town with sports and cheerleading in a world that didn’t include Autism makes it even more difficult to confess these surprising emotions. I’m not a whiner but what I want to do is shout “It’s not fair!” The only ones that hear or seem to want to understand this alien and painful feeling are what I’ve grown to refer to as special needs moms.

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Isolation: A Parent’s Journey Through Autism

We started off this summer with very high hopes and a fresh outlook on life. My friend of over 12 years was moving out to Colorado from California to help us with starting our self-sustaining farm. For the past 8 years or so, we have been dreaming of getting this started, but we have been either too busy supporting the family financially or with taking care of the kid’s needs. To do both of these we needed to be living (at the least) 100 miles away from our property. So when my friend said she would come out, live on the property and get the work started, I thought this was an ideal opportunity, and funny enough, a chance for a less isolated life.

Isolation

Things often don’t go as smoothly as you would expect, however.

It proved too much for her and her family to live on a piece of land (in the middle of nowhere) that had been all but forgotten for the last 5 years and she decided to stay in my home with her two grown kids and five large dogs. I was foolishly ok with this. I mean, how much chaos could this cause in my home? The home in which I live with my two Autistic children and my husband. Oh did I mention we live in a two bedroom home?

Let’s just say, this was doomed from the beginning.

I think that even if my kids were neuro-typical, it was only a matter of time before there would be some sort of explosion after which everyone would kiss and make up. The only difference is that I am an ASD Mom. You seriously don’t mess with ASD Moms, especially a seasoned ASD Mom.

My kids were both diagnosed at age three, and are now ten and nine. I have many battle wounds and other various bits of shrap metal under my skin. I’ve had family members and other NT mom’s try to tell me how to better parent my kids. There have been doctors, people shopping at the market and bus drivers suggest to me that if my kids can’t behave in public like “normal” kids, I should keep them at home. I’ve had every decision I’ve ever made scrutinized by every kind of person imaginable.

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8 Pieces of Advice on Parenting Asperger’s From Dr. Tony Attwood

Children and teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome often struggle with the social skills necessary for success in school and social settings. We interviewed psychologist and acclaimed expert on Asperger’s syndrome, Dr. Tony Attwood, for our documentary on Asperger’s.

Dr. Attwood offers proven tips and advice to help bolster the social skills as we approach back-to-school.

Steps that parents may take to help their kids with Asperger’s include the following:

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A Father Addresses his Relationship with his Autistic Son

I am the father of a son with Aspergers Syndrome and through the years of my wife and I raising him, it has had many challenges for me.  As a father I wanted him to take interest in outdoor activities, sports and other things that we could do together but while he was not interested in these things there were other items of interest that I had to adapt to in order to spend the most amount of quality time with him.

While he may not have had interest in what I thought a young boy should be interested in, he has opened my eyes to a different world that has brought us closer together over the years. I just had to be the one to approach his interests with an open mind and with the idea that these were things we could do as a father and son.

Some words of advice from a father of an aspie, learn to be a listener, take interest in his actiMy Son: Through the eyes of a Fathervities, not those you think a young man should take interest in, find things to do outside the home that you can teach him and he is interested in.  Also, be supportive and patient as typically those with aspergers will find it difficult to relate to things we take for granted as well as conveying their thoughts in the same manner we are accustomed to.  They will never forget the times you spend with them and the memories you are making.

 

by: Herb Allen