beliefs, aspie

I have three questions for you…

1. How many times a day, a week do you find yourself with a big old stressful decision?

2. How many of those decisions are simple and completely straight forward?

3. How many times does it feel like you’re saddled with two crappy choices?

beliefs, aspie

The human brain is fascinating and capable of many feats! It’s also prone to getting stuck. When making decisions, one of those sticking points is the Either Or Trap. You know what I mean, EITHER you do this OR that. Here’s why this is oh so common: your brain gets fixated on your habits of perception – the way you see life, people, situations, and then shuts down to any other options. It’s as if there really are only these two options. This is problematic because you literally can’t see other possibilities so you most likely aren’t going to seek out more solutions and people with opposing perceptions. You then make EITHER this decision OR that decision. 

This can feel oddly good at times, like any habit can, yet you also know the sweet freedom that comes from breaking a bad habit.

How can you avoid the Either Or Trap?

  • Acknowledge the tendency for the TRAP
  • Ask what if these didn’t work…what else…
  • Seek out people who think differently than you 
  • Set a timer – mind dump as many possibilities as you can saying AND
  • Ask what you really want to see –  as in wouldn’t it be GREAT IF…

You can absolutely expand your perception. This expansion cultivates more options that are actually connected to your purpose. You then have the freedom to experiment.

Let’s look at an example to see it in action…

Your child doesn’t like trying new things – change can be tricky for them because it’s such an unknown. Unknown has been code for it’s scary and must be avoided. Yet, you know it would be helpful for them to expand their repertoire. And necessary.

They don’t wanna so they yell, argue, heavily complain, and shut down.

You EITHER:

Start to think it’s not worth all this extreme hassle and pressure so you let it go…

With that, may come it’s all on them – go do what they want to do – fine, whatever.

OR:

You think they have to learn sometime so come hell or high water now is the time!

With that, may come it’s all on them – sink or swim, baby.

It often comes down to extremes.

The Either Or Trap is all about two extremes.

What if there were other options? I assure you there are…

It’s just that in the heat of the moment with your pattern of survival it’s hard to see – literally your brain has defaulted where you can’t see beyond the two extremes.

Let’s look at expanding perception…

  • Define what’s blocking the new experience attempt – what is IT (anxiety, disinterest)
  • Address the specifics – get to the root of fear with AND what else – not the symptom
  • Develop parameters – what will the attempt look like, how long, and debrief plan

Let’s look at potential options…

  • Bust out your calendar together – what are the daily, weekly tasks and activities?
  • How much calendar time builds the skills and attitude you actually want?
  • What do you actually want for them? for you? for siblings? for whole family?
  • Brainstorm topics and situations they know nothing or very little about.
  • Choose a topic or situation to experience for a set period of time – experiment.

Clarity of focus about what you actually desire breeds connection with what you actually want to do. All the doing and trying without connection keeps a cycle of doing and trying. This breeds fatigue, frustration, and eventually forget-it-ness.

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With your summer all wrapped up, I hope you’re off to a strong fall. Speaking of fall – I couldn’t resist – are you or your family struggling? Struggling is part of being human – you’re not alone. Do you crave strategies to move past your challenges? 
Of course you do so let’s start with a quick definition.

What’s your #1 struggle right now?

Is it…
*Never getting it all done?
*Pesky thoughts nagging at you – are you doing enough?
*Living in fight or flight stress?
*Repeat offenders – facing the same problems over and over again?
*Wishing there was another way – but not being able to see it?

What if there’s a solution right there in the struggle? It’s completely possible and just waiting for you. I say, whatever your struggle, let’s discover the way out.

You may be thinking, that’s great for other people, but not me and my family. Raising kids is no joke. It’s hard work. It involves all the things. Raising a kid on the spectrum is all the things on steroids! I’ve come to know this full on truth from every “steroid living” parent and youth.

Since they were little, you’ve been inundated with every conceivable intervention, strategy, advice, philosophy, educational approach and on it goes. They’ve been your lifeline and your achilles heel. Since we know society is on information overload it only makes sense that you, “steroid parent,”have been taxed beyond measure. I’m not pedaling snake oil or quick fixes. I don’t pretend to know what your days really look like and feel like day – after – day.

What I’m offering is a slight shift. A click on your mental and heart dial. If you’re open to a shift in your perspective, it can hold the potential for a whole new way. It’s ironic this shifting perspective deal. You know how challenging it is for your beloved child on the spectrum to shift perspective. You know the huge strain that creates. You even know how to shift around their lack of shifting.

In some ways this ability has saved your sanity. In other ways it’s been unknowingly perpetuating your frustration. You’ve learned to anticipate the needs, reactions, and overall experience within seconds. With this, you’ve got to be exhausted. It’s draining to have to figure it all out – all the time. That creates pressure. And nobody has their full set of resources (their best thinking) available while living in constant pressure.

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