The Either Or Trap

I have three questions for you…

1. How many times a day, a week do you find yourself with a big old stressful decision?

2. How many of those decisions are simple and completely straight forward?

3. How many times does it feel like you’re saddled with two crappy choices?

beliefs, aspie

The human brain is fascinating and capable of many feats! It’s also prone to getting stuck. When making decisions, one of those sticking points is the Either Or Trap. You know what I mean, EITHER you do this OR that. Here’s why this is oh so common: your brain gets fixated on your habits of perception – the way you see life, people, situations, and then shuts down to any other options. It’s as if there really are only these two options. This is problematic because you literally can’t see other possibilities so you most likely aren’t going to seek out more solutions and people with opposing perceptions. You then make EITHER this decision OR that decision. 

This can feel oddly good at times, like any habit can, yet you also know the sweet freedom that comes from breaking a bad habit.

How can you avoid the Either Or Trap?

  • Acknowledge the tendency for the TRAP
  • Ask what if these didn’t work…what else…
  • Seek out people who think differently than you 
  • Set a timer – mind dump as many possibilities as you can saying AND
  • Ask what you really want to see –  as in wouldn’t it be GREAT IF…

You can absolutely expand your perception. This expansion cultivates more options that are actually connected to your purpose. You then have the freedom to experiment.

Let’s look at an example to see it in action

Your child doesn’t like trying new things – change can be tricky for them because it’s such an unknown. Unknown has been code for it’s scary and must be avoided. Yet, you know it would be helpful for them to expand their repertoire. And necessary.

They don’t wanna so they yell, argue, heavily complain, and shut down.

You EITHER:

Start to think it’s not worth all this extreme hassle and pressure so you let it go…

With that, may come it’s all on them – go do what they want to do – fine, whatever.

OR:

You think they have to learn sometime so come hell or high water now is the time!

With that, may come it’s all on them – sink or swim, baby.

It often comes down to extremes.

The Either Or Trap is all about two extremes.

What if there were other options? I assure you there are…

It’s just that in the heat of the moment with your pattern of survival it’s hard to see – literally your brain has defaulted where you can’t see beyond the two extremes.

Let’s look at expanding perception

  • Define what’s blocking the new experience attempt – what is IT (anxiety, disinterest)
  • Address the specifics – get to the root of fear with AND what else – not the symptom
  • Develop parameters – what will the attempt look like, how long, and debrief plan

Let’s look at potential options

  • Bust out your calendar together – what are the daily, weekly tasks and activities?
  • How much calendar time builds the skills and attitude you actually want?
  • What do you actually want for them? for you? for siblings? for whole family?
  • Brainstorm topics and situations they know nothing or very little about.
  • Choose a topic or situation to experience for a set period of time experiment.

Clarity of focus about what you actually desire breeds connection with what you actually want to do. All the doing and trying without connection keeps a cycle of doing and trying. This breeds fatigue, frustration, and eventually forget-it-ness.

Supporting women with Autism Spectrum Disorder

ABC Life / By Jodie van de Wetering

It’s not often you see someone with autism spectrum disorder in mainstream media. And when we do, these characters tend to be male, nerdy and single. Think Rain Man, Sheldon Cooper and various mean-spirited memes. Now, though, it really feels like things are changing. Women with autism are more present in writing about the condition, research, advocacy and public speaking.

A young woman standing in a field holding a large sunflower to depict supporting women with autism spectrum disorder.
Chloe is one of the young adults featured on Love On The Spectrum. Like many women, she wasn’t diagnosed with ASD until the end of primary school.(Supplied: Love On The Spectrum)

And in a great sign that society’s concept of autism is evolving, we’re meeting different genders and sexualities. In the show, the adorable first-date couple, Chloe and Lotus, mention they were diagnosed at 11 and 12 respectively. That’s late, considering specialists like to get stuck into early intervention before a child turns six, but they’re still babies compared to women whose conditions aren’t being picked up until their 30s, 40s and beyond.

For a long time, research into autism and what we knew about how it presented was largely based on men and boys, meaning girls miss out on diagnosis and therefore miss out on support they need until they’re too old to access it.

Since autism as a concept is still relatively recent, in many ways we just don’t have the framework in place to support an adult autistic population. Yet.

Finding the light after years of stumbling in the dark

A woman with curly hair sitting holding a mug and smiling

Like many women on the spectrum, writer and autism advocate Maura Campbell didn’t discover she was autistic until her son’s diagnosis, when she was 44.

“It was like taking off a corset I didn’t know I had been wearing. I could finally breathe,” she says.

Maura reflects on the how autistic women get missed in her contribution to the anthology Spectrum Women: Walking to the Beat of Autism.

Preventing Meltdowns

Although we have addressed the topic of meltdowns previously, it is a topic that needs to be revisited often, given the intense nature of the meltdown. “People with autism, new research suggests, may have an unusually large and overactive amygdala. This may be one reason why people with autism are easily overstimulated and have a hard time understanding and managing emotions.” – University of Washington

meltdown

This is one of many neurological findings that helps to explain how meltdowns are very different from tantrums. They originate from a neurological place of sensory differences: an over-abundance of neuronal pathways. The brain, whether through too much sensory input, cascading thoughts, chemical overload or some cumulative effect of all of these, gets overwhelmed!

I know individuals with autism can help understand the horror of the meltdown better than any observer. So I would like to refer to Carly Fleischmann for her unique perspective. The following is an excerpt from her website:

Free 4 You: Driving With Autism webinar kicks off Thursday

by Lynette Vega, SBG San Antonio Monday, November 18th 2019

WOAI News 4- San Antonio

SAN ANTONIO — An initiative in Texas is creating safer interactions between law enforcement and those on the autism spectrum. It’s called the Texas Driving With Autism Initiative and a free webinar will be held for the public to learn more about it.

To register for the free webinar, CLICK HERE.

Interests can serve as calming mechanisms for the brain with Aspergers

The fact that special interests can serve as calming mechanisms is largely true for neuro-typical persons as well. Think of your favorite interests outside of your job and your family.

What do you enjoy doing when left to your own devices? Some common interests include the following:

  • Reading
  • Gardening
  • Sports
  • Movies
  • Music
  • Photography
  • Exercising
  • Shopping
  • Traveling
  • Collecting Items

Whatever your interest[s] might be, you probably find them enjoyable, fulfilling, and even relaxing.  The interesting thing about interests is that one person’s most favorite activity/thing might be another person’s least favorite thing to do.

Shopping might be a relaxing and enjoyable activity for someone as they comb through racks and racks until they find that crazy deal of all deals! That very same experience might cause stress and even heart palpitations for another as they search for the nearest exit. As with most strategies, interests are highly individualized.

For persons with Aspergers, interests may take many forms and be especially intense.

WEBINAR: Driving with Autism Texas Initiative

Sign Up Here For November 21st Webinar sharing all components of this trail-blazing initiative. Oh…it’s free!

Register Online Now for the Texas Driving with Autism Webinar! The Driving with Autism initiative is a first-of-its-kind program out of Texas that is improving interactions between law enforcement and drivers diagnosed with a communication challenge. Now we want to share the entire initiative with other states, law enforcement agencies and organizations who desire to duplicate the successful program. The One-Hour webinar will be hosted by Ron Lucey, the Executive Director of the Texas Governors Committee on People with Disabilities. Join Jennifer Allen, Executive Director of Aspergers101 and the force behind the initiative, Jeremiah Kuntz, Director of Vehicle Titles & Registration of the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles, and Skylor Hearn, Lieutenant Colonel of the Department of Public Safety as they cover the development and details of the program. Templates, videos and downloadables will be provided. There is no cost. A Q&A will follow the presentation.

What You Will Learn

1) “Communication Impediment” on State Driver’s License and ID: Offering this restriction code on Texas Driver License and State ID’s cover many diagnosis including Autism and the Deaf community. We will discuss all the diagnosis, the internal process and how to effectively market this message statewide via TV, radio and within every DPS Driver License Office. Templates included
2) Texas Law Enforcement Training: We will go over training materials and how Texas is reaching all it’s law enforcement agencies regarding understanding those with a communication challenge during a traffic stop. Also discussed will be overview of a medical study (poster) published on the effectiveness of the training on mental disorders with Texas State Troopers and what the findings mean to law enforcement agencies.
3) New Option for Disclosure in State Law Enforcement Telecommunication System: With the recent passage of the Samuel Allen Law, Texas drivers now have the option to place “Communication Impediment” in the Texas Law Enforcement Communication System (TLETS), which will alert officers prior to approaching the vehicle during a traffic stop. What does this mean for both officers and drivers and how did we pass legislation.
Bonus: Texas Driving with Autism Camp – Aspergers101 teamed up with Texas DPS Training Facility in Florence Texas to develop and offer it’s citizens a “Driving with Autism” Camp. This unique day long camp offers a one-to-one participant to trooper ratio, allowing participants hands-on experience with a law enforcement pull-over situation with no cost to the family or participant. We will share it components with you!
 

When: Thursday, November 21, 2019 at 10a – 11a (CST)

Presenters:

Jeremiah Kuntz
Director of Vehicle Titles & Registration @Texas Department of Motor Vehicles (TxDMV)
Jennifer Allen Founder & CEO Aspergers101 & “Driving with Autism’ initiative

Skylor Hearn Lt. Colonel @Texas Department of Public Safety

Overview of the Texas Driving with Autism Initiative:

KXAN -TV Sept 2019: Texas Driving with Autism Initiative





For College Students with Aspergers: The Importance of Follow-Up With Your Professors

One of the most challenging aspects of supporting college students diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder is the need for follow-up with professors, college staff, and others. Follow-up is important to ensure deadlines are met and that assignments are turned in according to each syllabus. The fast pace of college, combined with the severe anxiety and executive dysfunction common to the spectrum, create the perfect conditions for students with ASD to forget deadlines or avoid high pressure academic or social situations on campus.

Follow Up Professors in College

I’ve known dozens of students with ASD who promised: “I will work on my speech for Communications class this evening after dinner.” And they mean it sincerely when they say it. Stress and commitments mount as the day moves forward, however, and by dinner time students who made the promise may feel overwhelmed and overstimulated and avoid the assignment. Some may become focused so intensely on another subject or topic that they forget about working on their speech.

It’s easy to presume that students who miss deadlines or forget to turn in assignments are simply immature, disinterested, or unfocused.

Many educators say “If he would just try harder he’d be just fine.” Some students who fit this profile are labeled “not college material,” as a result, and find their on-campus reputations compromised. Part of the frustration that education and support personnel experience in this scenario comes from their lack of understanding about the autism spectrum. They recognize the sincerity of the student when he said: “I’ll work on my speech after dinner.” They believe the student really meant his promise, and expect that he will follow through.

Teaching Happiness: Supporting Children into Adulthood

This week was huge in our household. After moving Daniel into an apartment last month, we moved Nathan off to college for his Sophomore year last weekend. We are officially empty nesters. Our oldest, Thomas, gets married in October, which only solidifies the notion that we have adult “children”. The house is quiet.

We are wondering what to do with ourselves after 25 years of managing the lives of 3 busy children. I think it is only natural to look to the future and to be reflective.

Our family conversations have changed lately. Individually and as a family we are all talking more about future goals and what it means to live a happy life. Not that any of us were unhappy previously but we seem to be at a natural point where that is a topic of discussion.

While in graduate school I read Happiness and Education by Nel Noddings. This book and her ideas have been much on my mind lately. The basic premise of the book is part of what we need to learn, as children, to be happy and healthy, are the components of a fulfilled, happy, life.

The Sibling(s): Born Into An ASD World

Meet Charlie Allen

Charlie Allen

While growing up as the sibling of someone with autism may progress without a hitch, many harbor feelings of loneliness and resentment. As someone who falls somewhere in-between the above examples, I offer you my son, Charlie Allen. Not until the writing of this blog has Charlie, our youngest, granted me my long desire to write about him. He is the sibling, the brother to Samuel Allen that few, outside our family’s personal circle, know much about.

Charlie was born in 1997, the younger brother to our firstborn Sam. We had no knowledge of Sam’s Autism at this time so the years for early development were probably typical. Contrast to Sam’s quiet world, Charlie had a robust laugh and twinkle in his eye that set the stage to delight anyone in his presence.

I would rather be closer to my brother with autism than close to fake friends who isolate because of autism. Early on, I knew that wasn’t kind nor the way I wanted to be.

Charlie Allen

Everything changed when Sam began school.

It took four years to diagnose Sam’s autism. Meanwhile Charlie felt the residuals of the strain our family was going through. The dynamics changed and we, as a family, had a multitude of adjustments to make. Not easy on a child so very young. It was a blessing and relief when my husband and I decided I would leave my career to stay home, and since Sam had already started school, it gave alone time for just me and Charlie. We were given the privilege of time, those years were bonding and now I believe instrumental in Charlie’s foundation….and boy did he need one!

By the time Charlie began Kinder, his brother had already made his mark at the public school system where they would ultimately graduate from. Charlie’s quiet yet humorous nature began to emerge. My parents, both now deceased, were his biggest fans/supporters and gave both our sons their time and support that were monumental to both their development. But the Middle school years and beyond became difficult for Charlie. He had developed his own challenges such as fine and gross motor skills (penmanship, tying shoes) that made sports or P.E. painful. His sensory issues where far greater than that of his brothers. Smells, touch and even sight were greatly affected and had to be diagnosed and adjustments that his peers simply didn’t have to think about. The most challenging for Charlie was peer relations. Charlie had a choice, he could choose to play with the 5 or 6 other children in our neighborhood or his brother. This was forced upon him as the others told him so. Calling his brother retarded and refusing to include (actually running from them) Sam in any activity tested Charlie’s resolve early on. Charlie chose Sam. For that, he paid the price but learned to walk alone. We watched as Charlie began to befriend those with disabilities or outcasts as if a shield to protect the person. This is the quiet yet powerful strength of Charlie.

School Years

Pictured from left: Charlie, Herb and Samuel

I think Charlie found music as his escape. For him, this has been his release…first of anger (hard rock days) and then various genres that lighten paralleling his life. His Dad plays guitar as did his Do-Dad (grand-father) and he delighted in playing with both! This gave Charlie an audience. Too shy to play in large groups, Charlie has thrilled at smaller gatherings. He can master any rock song on his electric or delight country fans with a spot-on Johnny Cash! He can’t read music but can replicate any song after hearing it. For fun he occasionally plays the banjo and even Jerry Lee on piano. He is gifted!

My husband is a great father. This has been instrumental in both our sons development. Herb has a quiet strength and his skill as a carpenter offered Charlie an alternative to occupy weekends. Together, Herb, Sam and Charlie built a house together on a plot of land in the country. They learned teamwork and the value of hard work in a different way than typical high school sports. It worked. Together they enjoyed starry nights, bonfires and raising the walls of what their hands had built. Finding something you can do together (not everyone is a carpenter) is instrumental. Occupy their time when no one else will.

Becoming His Own Man

Today, Charlie is 22 years old. He has overcome the shadows and quietly stepped into manhood. He works for H-E-B and looks forward to growing with a company that serves. He is kind, Godly and delights in his brother’s company. He notices those who are outcasts and aids them quietly. He stands firm and doesn’t tolerate bullies, rightfully so. To end (and I’m a proud Mom so I could go on and on) this blog I would like to share an unexpected outcome that brings unexpected joy. Less than a year ago, one of those neighborhood childhood bullies approached Charlie and asked for about an hour of his time. Charlie accepted and they met. He asked Charlie for forgiveness for what he and his family had perpetrated on ours. Especially on Charlie as he took the unpopular path of defending his brother. It made an impression. Quite an impression. Charlie forgave and today they meet on occasion and have become friends. This is why I wanted so badly to tell the story of our Charlie. He allowed me permission (for the first time) so I jumped on it!

Charlie has helped me in so many ways. He has stood up for me many times during the middle school years when bullies were rampant. In addition, he has taught me to project that same kindness for the underdog. He is an excellent brother and I couldn’t ask for a better sibling.

Samuel Allen

Below is a Q & A with Charlie and after that, we offer you expert advice, several resources and checklists for your journey as the”sibling”.

Q & A with Charlie

How does feel to have a brother with Autism? It doesn’t feel any different than having a neurotypical brother. I don’t know any other way. I see Sam as my brother period.

What have been the challenges as you went through school age years together? Isolation from peers mainly. I was known as “the brother of the ‘weird/different one”. One example: in our neighborhood when other kids were outside playing, they would say I couldn’t play with them because my brother was retarded. That hurt. While it hurt, it made me become closer to my brother. I would rather be closer to my brother with autism than close to fake friends who isolate because of autism. Early on, I knew that wasn’t kind nor the way I wanted to be.

How did you handle the isolation? I turned to music. Specifically guitar. First it was electric. I let my emotions out on the electric guitar. Early on, I had anger due to my brothers bullies so I played hard rock music. Think Ozzy Osborne’s guitarist Randy Rhoads. Later, I found a love of acoustic guitar and became inspired by the music of Johnny Cash. The music truly helped me cope with the isolation from my peers, now I just enjoy playing.

Tonight! Social Development

Join Aspergers101 on Facebook for Livestream Series

There are many services available to help children with AS develop their skills and become more successful. Social skill groups, pragmatic speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, and special education services may all play a role in meeting the needs of your child. Guest speaker, Dr. Louise O’Donnell from UT Health Science Center, shares valuable insights into the autistic brain and offer solutions at every stage of a persons life when challenged with social integration. Host(s) Jennifer and Samuel Allen (Aspergers101) discuss effective strategies to teach social skills and address behavior are as varied and diverse as the unique individuals who make up the AS population and lead a panel of experts into the topic at programs end. (pre-recorded/runtime 1:31:00) 

There are no fee(s) to join us…see you on Aspergers101 Facebook tonight at 7p! (CST)